To Lose Control
by nefertari-nz
Summary: All Havoc wants to do is take care of Ed. HavocxEd. Chapter eight now up, which makes it story completed!
1. Chapter 1

Lieutenant Jean Havoc looked over at the closed door. The shouts coming from behind it were muffled enough that he couldn't make out the words, but the tone left no doubt as to what was going on in there. Havoc heard a slam, and looked across at Breda. Breda lifted three fingers and began counting down. Sure enough, as soon as the last finger went down, the office door flew open and a rather short and irate blonde boy came stamping out.

"I hate that bastard!" he shouted before flinging himself out into the corridor.

Breda and Havoc both turned to look in the office. Roy was leaning on the front of his desk, arms crossed, a rather amused look on his face. Havoc turned back to Breda and lifted an eyebrow.

"Like hell. I'm not going after a pissed off Ed."

Havoc gave an exaggerated sigh, and stood up.

"I'll go get him then, eh?"

Breda leaned back and put his feet on the table.

"I think that'd be a good idea, yeah."

Havoc grinned to himself as he left the room. He did so enjoy these...encounters.

-------

Havoc slowly made his way up the stairs to his house. He'd spent the better part of an hour searching for Ed. Normally when he'd had one of his run-ins with the colonel, Ed went straight to the disused room at the other end of the building. So, Havoc had gone straight there. No sign of Ed.

In fact, he had been unable to find a single trace of the boy. Anywhere. He hoped Edward was ok. He had a real tendency to try to prove how strong he was. Sure, he had no problems yelling at people, but when it came to _really_ expressing his feelings he was completely hopeless.

It therefore came as a somewhat of a shock to find said alchemist sitting in the middle of Havocs kitchen, knees pulled up under his chin, tears streaming down his face.

Havoc dropped his keys onto the floor and rushed over to the huddled shape.

"Ed, whats wrong? What are you doing here? Where's Al?"

Ed stayed where he was, staring at the floor, but answered Havoc.

"Nothings wrong. I'm here because I had to get away. Al is with Schiezka, doing some research on the Philosophers Stone" he answered hollowly.

"Nothings wrong? Don't give me that bullshit. People don't normally sit on other peoples kitchen floors crying if there's nothing wrong."

"I'm not crying" Ed replied with a little more force.

Havoc reached out to brush Eds face.

"Yeah? Then what's this?" he asked gently, showing Ed the wiped away tears.

Ed looked at Havocs hand, a look of faint surprise crossing his features before he squared his jaw.

"I didn't come here for a lecture, Lieutenant."

"I'm not lecturing. I want to help. And how can I do that if you don't open up, Ed? Isn't that why we started this? So you would have someone you could open up to without worrying about being judged? I haven't changed my mind about that, you know."

Ed looked back up at Havoc, his look a bizarre mix of revulsion and pathetic gratitude. Havoc gave a faint smile, not wanting to provoke Ed any further, but wanting him to realise that he really did mean it when he told him that he would be there for him.

"I'm tired, Jean. I'm tired of having to fight for everything. I'm tired of having to try and work against that bloody Mustang. I'm tired of him wanting me to do what he wants and never letting me do what I want. I'm tired of always having to be the strong one."

Havoc felt like his chest was tearing in two. Ed sounded so _miserable_. He wanted so badly to fix things for him. All he could do though was take the smaller body in his arms, try to give him some respite from his life, if only for a few minutes at a time. He brushed Ed's fringe out of his eyes, tilted his head up so those gold eyes were forced to look into his.

"It's alright. You don't have to fight here. You don't have to be strong here. Here...you can show me how defenceless you really are. I'll take care of the world outside."

Those eyes, usually so defiant, softened as Havoc spoke, gradually filling with the desperately held back tears. Havoc pulled the shaking boy closer, wrapping his arms around those shoulders, pulling Ed's forehead against his shoulder. After all, what was Havoc if not a shoulder for Edward?

-------

Havoc carried the sleeping body up to his own bed. Carefully, trying not to wake him, he lay him on top of the blankets. He had taken off the ever present red coat and black jacket down in the kitchen, so Havoc took the spare blanket from the foot of the bed to lay over Ed. As he pulled it over his shoulders, Ed stirred.

"Where are you going?" he asked sleepily.

"Nowhere. I told you, I will be here to take care of you."

"Ok..." The head fell back to the pillow, and his breathing evened back out. Havoc lay alongside Ed, stroking his hair.

Yes. He would take care of the outside, so Ed could take care of the inside.


	2. Chapter 2

Al was tidying up the dorm room when Ed came slouching through the door.

"Brother! I was wondering when you were going to get in. I spoke to Breda this afternoon, and he said you had another argument with Colonel Mustang."

Al's voice took on a slightly questioning tone at the end, although he didn't really expect Ed to tell him what had happened. As he thought, Ed merely looked at him before flopping on the bed.

"How did things go with Schiezka? Did you find anything new?"

"Not really. Just re-tellings of the same stories. Same as usual. But Schiezka says if we keep looking we'll be bound to find something new!"

Ed grunted, and turned on his side.

"Are you going to do anything with those clothes?"

Al gave a start as he realised he was still standing in the middle of the floor with an armload of Eds clothing. He spun around a few times, looking for the basket, before spotting it lying on its side underneath the desk. Once he had picked it up and shoved the clothes inside, he turned to Ed.

"Brother, are you going to tell me what happened with you and the colonel? Or where you went?"

There was no answer. Al stepped around the side of the bed to try again, but Ed was asleep. Al sighed. Ed really did look exhausted. It was probably best to let him sleep. He retrieved the clothes basket and left the room, making sure to close the door as quietly as possible. He figured by the time he finished getting the washing done, Ed should have woken up. Who knew? Maybe he would even be in the mood to talk.

-------

As the door clicked shut, Ed opened his eyes. It was too hard trying to lie to Al. Evasion was the only way he would be able to cope with his questions, especially when he was asking where it was Ed has gone.

He didn't feel any less guilty for it though.

He wondered what exactly it was he was doing with Havoc. What did he think would happen? He had his doubts that Jean thought of it as anything more than a fling. So, he tried to act as light heartedly as possible, like it was nothing special. It seemed to make Havoc happy, at least.

Ed wasn't sure he could say the same for himself.

-------

Jean Havoc sat in his chair, cigarette in mouth, cloud of smoke around his head. When Ed had finally woken up, he had acted as though nothing had happened. To hear him speak, one would have thought that he'd turned up to borrow a cup of sugar, and was now leaving.

_What am I doing?_

Havoc took another drag on his cigarette, stood up, walked to the kitchen. He stood there for some time, unable to forget the sight of the distraught shape that had been huddled up in there earlier. He sighed. One day, perhaps Ed would come to regard Havoc in the same light that Havoc did him. He wasn't exactly holding his breath though.

_What on earth am I thinking?_

It wasn't like this was the first time Havoc had fallen for someone who didn't see him in the same way. He should be used to it by now. It really was funny though, that no matter how many times it did happen, he still felt just as lousy. This was no exception.

_Only, this time it is._

This time, it was more than just a passing interest. There was nothing that Havoc wouldn't do to put that smile back on Edwards face. Nothing he wouldn't do to hear that laugh.

Nothing he wouldn't do to get Ed to look at him, just once, like he mattered.


	3. Chapter 3

Havoc stepped into the office. Yet another day of trying to make it look like they were busy and in no way putting off the work that needed doing. It really was a hard life, being one of Colonel Mustangs subordinates. He sat down at the long table, stretched his arms over his head then lit a cigarette.

He was so completely exhausted. Even after Ed had left last night, he still hadn't gotten any sleep. He just couldn't get the image out of his head, of Ed so distraught and Havoc unable to really be of any use.

He was also unable to forget the way Ed had almost fled the house after he had woken. Havoc thought that perhaps that was the thing that had hurt him the most. Ever.

Havoc's eyes snapped open at a sudden bang on the table in front of him. He jerked forward, excuses as to why he wasn't working already forming before he realised it wasn't Hawkeye, it was Breda.

"You look tired. Hard night last night?" he asked with what could only be described as a leer

"I suppose you could say that," Havoc sighed. He wasn't entirely sure what Breda knew about what he was doing, but he thought it best to err on the side of caution. He didn't think that it would be a good thing to come out and say he had fallen for the youngest male in the military. Neither were really a good thing.

"Shot down again, were you? Never mind, it happens to the best of us. Still, if its that young blonde thing, I'm sure you can try again."

Havoc swung his head around, trying to see if there was anything more to what Breda was saying. Breda merely looked back though, his face a picture of innocent interest.

Havoc forced himself to grin.

"Yeah. Never give up, eh?"

-------

_What is wrong with me?_

It seemed that tantra had been playing nonstop through Eds head for weeks now. It had been almost a month since his last encounter with Havoc. A month of nothing more than nods in the corridor. He didn't know what was going on. He shouldn't have left as abruptly as he had, he knew that now. He could have at least had the decency to say thank you, if nothing else.

He wondered if Havoc was angry with him. Whenever Ed approached him, Havoc face became...strained, as if he were holding back from something.

_He must be angry with me, and is trying not to make a scene. I mean, I DID break into his house, sleep in his bed and then practically run out._

So, every time he tried to talk to Havoc, and he got that look, he'd find something else that suddenly needed doing. And there was the nod, and that was it.

Even Al had noticed.

_Of course Al has noticed, you moron. Al notices EVERYTHING._

There had hardly been a night go by when Al hadn't asked Ed if he was going to tell him what was wrong. Ed always ignored, or sidestepped the question, but Al had the patience of a saint. He would just keep asking, night after night, until Ed gave him an answer he was satisfied with. And he would be satisfied with nothing less than the truth. The problem was, what was the truth?

_Do I miss him? Or do I just need to have that outlet, no matter who it is?_

Ed had an inkling he knew the answer to that. He just wasn't ready to acknowledge it yet.

-------

Havoc couldn't quite believe the state of his brain lately. He'd been making stupid mistakes. Mustang had already hauled him into his office three times in as many weeks to have him up about it. Yesterday, the Colonel had decided he had had enough, and told Havoc to take a few days off to get himself together.

So, here he sat, alone in his home. He had been sitting on the front stairs all morning. If he was being honest with himself, he would have said it was in the hope that a certain blonde head would come walking around the corner.

However, not being honest, he told himself it was because the sun would help cheer him up.

_What would you say to him anyway, huh?_

_Would you ever tell him how you feel?_

The sun. That was why he was here. No other reason. He was just looking up the road every ten seconds because his neck hurt, and it helped to stretch.

_Don't give me that shit. You're in love with him. When are you going to admit that to yourself?_

Havoc got up. Sitting out here was going to do nothing but drive him crazy. If he wasn't there already. He turned, one hand out to open the door, when a flash of movement caught the corner of his eye. He turned around to see that red-coated figure striding up the path.

"Ed!" he exclaimed in surprise, his hands suddenly sweating.

_Nows your chance. If you've got the balls, anyway._

Havoc did his best to shut the voice down, and watched Ed approach the stairs. The younger blonde had his hands behind his back, and his eyes darted back and forth as if on the look out for enemies.

"Uh, hi. I just came to say, you know, thank you. For the other week, I mean."

Havoc was surprised. He had assumed Ed had put that out of his mind.

"So, yeah, I just wanted to say that. I didn't mean to make you angry or anything."

Havoc stepped down the stairs, closer to the boy.

"Angry? I was never angry with you Ed. I kind of thought you were angry with me, to be honest."

Eds eyes widened in surprise.

"I'm so pathetic, aren't I?"

He couldn't tell him now, but somehow, he thought he could wait. One day, Ed would be ready to hear it.

Havoc smiled, and lifted a hand to the side of Ed's face.


	4. Chapter 4

Havoc remained on the stairs long after Ed had left, just looking down the road. After Ed had come to apologise, they had gone inside.

Havoc smiled to himself. They really hadn't done anything. They had barely even spoken. But somehow, it was nicer than anything he had experienced before. They had sat together on the couch, Ed resting his head on Havocs shoulder while Havoc stroked the fringe that constantly hung over Eds face.

Eventually Ed had stretched, saying that he really should go before Al started wondering where he was. Havoc had stood with Ed, keeping his arm draped over those shoulders, somehow reluctant to let go.

Ed hadn't protested.

Together they walked to the door, and Havoc had given those shoulders a squeeze before letting go. Edward said goodbye, and thank you again.

And with that, he had left. And Havoc remained on the stairs. He wondered when he would get to see Ed again. Mustang had told him not to come in for the rest of the week, so he had no reason to be hanging around work. That would only draw attention.

So it was really up to Ed to decide when they would next spend time together.

Havoc sighed, turned and re-entered the house. He knew now it was hopeless to pretend to himself any longer. He couldn't lie about his feelings for Ed.

_Trust me to fall in love with the one person who will _never_ feel the same way._

Still, in love with him he was. So Havoc would take what he could get, no matter what it was.

-------

Ed wandered his way along the road, a faint smile playing across his features. He couldn't believe how much more settled he felt, just from that hour sitting with Havoc the previous night. He hadn't realised just how on edge he had been until the reason for his stress had been taken away.

_What exactly does that mean?_

He didn't think he was in love with the man. But at the same time, he certainly regarded him in a different light to the way he did someone like Schiezka, or even Winry. It was strange.

Ed looked up, and realised his wanderings had taken him to Havocs house. Somehow, he wasn't all that surprised. He shrugged. Havoc had been at home all day, probably bored shitless. It wouldn't hurt to be able to do something for him, just for a change. He walked up the steps, pulled his automail hand out of its pocket, knocked, and waited.

And waited some more.

He tried knocking again, louder this time. Still no answer.

Where was he? Ed had gone to all the trouble to come over and keep him company, and the man didn't even have the decency to be home when Ed arrived!

Ed scowled before marching back down the path.

_Really, some people need to start thinking about others a little more._

Ed had gotten about ten paces down the rod when a familiar voice called out

"Ed! Wait a sec!"

Ed turned to find Havoc struggling up the path with what seemed to be about a hundred and fifty-seven bags of groceries.

_Well, ok, it's only about ten, but still. Those are big bags._

"Don't suppose you can give me a hand with these, can ya? I got a little carried away with buying stuff."

Ed huffed before reaching forward and taking a few from the other man.

"I came over to keep you company, you know. And you weren't even home!"

"Yeah, I thought I'd take advantage of having some spare time to get some actual food in the house. Thought I might like to eat real food tonight, just for something different."

Ed made a noise that to Havoc sounded suspiciously like he was blowing a raspberry. He arched one eyebrow, but said nothing. This was Ed after all. And he had come to visit him. Just for that simple fact, he felt he could forgive Ed almost anything.

"Since I've got more food than I could possibly eat by myself, how would you like to stay for dinner?"

Ed only had to give that question about half a seconds thought before answering.

"What do you think?"

-------

They sat opposite each other on the floor. Havoc was quite pleased with himself. He'd managed to get a halfway decent dinner for the two of them. Ok, it wasn't anything spectacular, but it was more than just edible – he loved that word, _Edible_ – and the other was tucking into it with a gusto. Watching the boy eat, Havoc felt a sudden rush of affection. He laughed quietly to himself, although not quietly enough for Ed not to hear him.

"Whats so funny, then?" he demanded around a mouthful of potato.

"Nothing. I was just thinking that you're looking happier than I've seen you for months. It's kind of nice."

Ed stopped shoveling food into his mouth to stare at Havoc, before muttering "Yeah, whatever," and resuming the action.

Havoc sat and watched Ed eat. It really was an..._interesting_ experience. He'd never seen anyone put so much effort into forcing something as innocuous as a carrot into submission. Yes. It certainly was an experience. Finally though, Ed had had his fill.

He stretched back, arms over his head, feet thrust forwards. It was not lost on Havoc that the position lead to a slight...tightening of Eds pants. He didn't think he'd seen Ed look quite as beautiful as he did at that moment. He shuffled over until he was next to Ed, both of them leaning against the wall.

"How was it, then?" he asked as he lit a cigarette.

"It was good. And do you have to do that? I've told you I hate those damned things."

Havoc gave his normal reaction to that question. He shrugged.

"I need something to do with my hands."

"Is that so?"

Ed looked around the room. There was a bookshelf (curiously devoid of books), the couch, a single chair and a low table. Otherwise, it was basically a wide expanse of floor. Havoc was trying to figure out what was so interesting about his living room when Ed jumped to his feet.

"Put out the cigarette."

Havoc lifted his eyebrows in surprise.

"No."

"Put out the cigarette."

"No. I told you, I need it."

"So you've got something to do with your hands." Ed said flatly.

"Thats what I said."

"What if I could think of something better for you to do with your hands?"

"Yeah? Like what?"

_Actually, I can think of several things that would be better, but I don't think thats what you've got in mind._

"Like me."

The cigarette fell unseen to the floor as Havocs jaw dropped. He stared at Ed, not quite believing what his ears had just heard. Ed looked back, unabashed. It was only the smell of the smoke smoldering on the floor that caused Havoc to finally drop his gaze.

"Unless you'd rather not." Ed said as Havoc frantically stubbed out the small fire that was starting.

Havoc looked up, brushing the ash off the palms of his hands.

"Thats not it. I just wasn't expecting you to say that, is all."

He reached up, grabbing Eds arm before pulling him down into his lap. Ed shifted his legs so he was straddling Havoc, noses centimeters apart. Havoc wrapped his arms around Eds waist, and felt the others hands sit gently on his shoulders. The automail made the alchemist heavier than he otherwise would have been, but to Havoc the weight was perfect. No one else could feel quite the way Ed did, and that was what made it right.

"I've missed this, you know," he said as he pulled Ed in for a kiss.


	5. Chapter 5

Havoc whistled as he entered the office.

"Aahh, its a great day today, isn't it?" he said as he dropped into his chair.

"Um, yeah. Its a fantastic day" Breda answered, looking out the window at the pouring rain.

"So whats got you in such a great mood?"

"Oh, nothing really. I've just really enjoyed my forced time off. And I'm just happy to see your smiling face."

"So things going a little better with that blonde then, eh?"

Once again, Havoc looked at Breda's face. There was nothing there that said he knew anything, but still...He narrowed his eyes.

"Yeah. Things have gotten a lot better."

"Whats that? Lieutenant, do you have a girlfriend? Has she met the colonel yet?"

Fury shook off his jacket as he entered, peering through his rain spattered glasses. Havoc glared at Fury, although the small man certainly hadn't meant to insult him with that comment. Mustang did have a track record of stealing Havocs girlfriends, after all. Still, it was a little uncalled for.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, he – _she_ has met him. And didn't like him one bit, as I recall."

Fury blinked.

"Are you sure? I mean, you know what he's like with women. They all end up falling for it."

"Yes, I'm sure. In fact, her exact words were 'I hate that bastard.'"

Havoc clamped his mouth shut. That was probably a little much, since there was only one person who _ever_ said that. Thankfully, Fury didn't seem to make the connection. Havoc looked across at Breda. He was giving Havoc a look. One that said _I'm pretty sure I know what you're about, but I'll keep my mouth shut for now._ Breda grinned, and Havoc looked away before he started going red.

At that point Mustang entered the office. He looked over at Havoc.

"Ah. You're looking a little happier this week, Lieutenant. Thats good. I really don't want to have to put up with Hawkeye making pointed comments again."

"Yeah, sorry 'bout that, boss. It's all sorted now. Won't happen again."

"Good to hear. Now, I'm going to be in my office, and I don't want to be disturbed. Do whatever it takes to keep that woman away from me."

Havoc looked after him, confused. He turned to ask the others what was going on, but they were ahead of him.

"The lieutenants been chewing him out over you. She thinks he should have disciplined you instead of sending you home."

Fury piped up to add to Breda's comments.

"Plus Edward hasn't been showing up, either. I don't know why that is, though."

Havoc felt the heat start to rise in his face at Fury's statement. He knew exactly why Ed hadn't been showing up. He quickly pulled his cigarettes out of his pocket in an effort to think of anything but the weekend he had just had. He shoved one in his mouth.

_Don't think of Ed, don't think of Ed, don't think of the way he looked with his hair over his shoulders, his singlet half torn off, that hungry look in his eyes as he slid his hand up the inside of Havocs thigh..._

_DON'T THINK OF ED! DON'T THINK OF ED!_

"I need to go for a walk!" he yelled, the chair falling over as he pushed away from the table. Breda and Fury watched Havoc as he practically ran out the door.

"Whats with him?" Fury asked.

Breda chuckled. Dear, innocent Fury who would never be able to put that particular two and two together.

"Oh, you know. New relationships. They can never get enough of each other."

-------

Ed stretched back on his bed. Al was still bugging him.

"Where were you brother? What if I had needed to get hold of you? I wouldn't have been able to! When are you going to tell me?"

_God, he sounds like someones MOTHER, not my younger brother._

"I already told you, it's none of your business where I was. And it's not like I was ever gone for more than a couple of hours at a time anyway. And whats the chance of something happening that you would need me for?"

"Thats not the point. I was worried about you every time you disappeared!"

Ed sighed. This was not going to end.

"I told you, I'm not answering you! And if you ask me one more time I'l...I'll..I'll do something!"

_Besides, how would you react if I told you I was going to Havocs? And how would you react if I told you what we were doing there?_

Ed felt the butterflies fluttering in his stomach as he thought of the things Havoc had done to him – hell, of the things _he_ had done to _Havoc_. He had had a most..._enjoyable_ time. And the best part was that Havoc had seemed to enjoy it every bit as much as Ed had.

_Havoc moaned louder and louder as Ed pressed himself harder against Havoc. Havoc reached forward to pull Ed into a fierce kiss, fingers tangling in Eds long hair as he did. God, Ed loved it when Havoc did that. He felt himself getting more and more excited as they pressed into each other, Eds own moans getting as loud as Havocs..._

"Brother! Are you alright? You sound like you're having a nightmare!"

Eds eyes snapped open.

_Oh god, I was getting _way_ too into that memory._

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine! I was just really enjoying lying down, is all! Hahaha! Hahahahaha!"

Al looked at Ed, and although he knew it was impossible, Ed thought Al was looking at him like he'd gone crazy.

_And he'd be right._

"You know what? I'm just going to go for a walk! That'll make me feel better! Ahahahaha!"

And with that, Ed leaped off the bed and out the door.

Al sighed to himself. He knew Ed was seeing someone, but he had no idea who it was. He had a number of possibilities, but he didn't know which it was. Well, if Ed wasn't going to tell him who it was, he was just going to have to find out for himself.

-------

Havoc wandered down in the direction of the disused storeroom, the one he now found himself thinking of as "Eds Room". He wondered idly if Ed would be there. He was torn – half of him could think of nothing better than getting there and finding the boy there, but the other half screamed "DON'T BE STUPID! EVEN IF YOU DON'T GET CAUGHT DO YOU REALLY THINK YOU'LL LEAVE IF HE _IS _THERE?"

Havoc shrugged. He likely wouldn't be there anyway, and it was as good a place as any to get his thoughts in order. Well, maybe not given the memories they had been making there, but it was a nice place.

He rounded the corner, looking down at his cigarettes when he hit something. It rebounded off him before spawling on the floor with a clank.

"Ed? Shit, I'm sorry!" Havoc reached forward to pull Ed up off the floor. Ed slapped his hand away, preferring to pick himself up.

"I can do it myself, you know. God you're clumsy." Ed scowled at him. "What are you doing here anyway? Aren't you supposed to be back at work?"

"I could say the same to you. You didn't tell me you were skipping out without telling anyone."

Ed looked off to the side.

"Als been trying to get it out of me where I've been," he answered in a typical evasive Ed manner. "I had to leave before he drove me nuts."

"Yeah, I know what you mean," Havoc thought of Breda's altogether-far-too-knowing looks.

Ed looked up and down the corridor. As usual, it was deserted. No one ever came down here, seeing as all the rooms here were empty.

"You know, while we're here..." he said, looking up at Havoc in what the older man assumed was supposed to be an alluring way.

"You just read my mind," said Havoc, pushing Ed towards the door.


	6. Chapter 6

**AUTHORS NOTE:**** Sadly I can't post most of the two previous chapters due to the content, so I will just put up a brief summary followed by the end of the last chapter. This will be followed by part six proper. Thank you to all my reviewers, and if you want to read this in all its NC-17 glory, please check out my LJ - user name - chosha(underscore)sama. **

_Al has decided that since Ed won't tell him who he is seeing, he will find out for himself. He follows Ed to work, and discovers that Eds 'girlfriend' is in fact Havoc. Al doens't react terribly well to this, and accuses Ed of not trusting him enough to share this with him. Ed misinterprets what Al says, and decides the only way to make it up to Al is to break it off with Havoc. Ed goes to Havocs house, where they have sex for the last time before Ed springs it on Havoc that he can't see him anymore._

I can't see you anymore."

For the second time that night, Havoc felt the bottom fall out of his stomach.

_What? I thought..._

"Why? What happened?"

"It's not anything you've done. It's just...doing this is interferring with too many other things. I had to choose, and there was no way you could win. I'm sorry Jean."

"Then why? What was this?" Havoc knew he was starting to sound panicked, but he didn't care. "Why did you do this then if you wanted to end it?"

"I'm sorry. I know it's selfish of me, but I wanted one last time to remember before it was over. I'm sorry, Jean."

"Look at me. Look at me, goddammit!" Havoc reached forward and turned Ed to face him. He dropped his hand as though it burned when he saw the tears streaming down Ed's face.

"Why?" he asked softly. "Why are you doing this?"

"I have to, Jean. Please just believe me." Ed stood, retrieved his clothes and re-dressed himself. He turned his back to Havoc and headed for the door.

"Ed, please." Havoc balled his fists beside his legs. "Please stay. I love you."

Ed stopped, looked at the floor, but didn't turn.

"I'm sorry, Jean. I don't."

**_And now on to chapter six..._**

**_-------_**

Havoc stood, watched the door click shut, through the window saw the red-coated figure walk down the path and around the corner. He stood there, naked, not moving. Part of him figured that he must be in some sort of shock, but the rest of him didn't care. Those hateful parting words echoed over and over in his head.

_I'm sorry, Jean. I don't._

Eventually he summoned the will to move. He picked his clothes up from the floor, his movements almost robotic.

_I'm sorry, Jean. I don't._

He thought about putting at least his boxers back on, but it somehow seemed to be just a little too much effort to go through. He stumbled through the kitchen, put the clothes on the bench then turned to head to his room. He made it as far as the couch again before his knees threatened to give way.

_I'm sorry, Jean._

What had happened? What had he done? Hot tears trickled down his face as his traitorous mind replayed the entire encounter over and over.

"I love you, Ed." he whispered.

_I'm sorry, Jean. I don't._

_------- _

Ed staggered home. He had done the right thing. He knew he had. What he and Havoc had – _had_ had – could never have worked. He was saving pain later down the track, and this way he could start to make up for it with Al. It was the right thing. And it wasn't like they were serious about it anyway.

_Please stay. I love you._

So why did Havoc say that? And why did it nearly kill Ed to say he didn't?

-------

When Ed had arrived home, Al still hadn't returned. In some ways, Ed had been a little relieved about that. He felt torn in two, half of him desperate to go back to Havoc and try and salvage what he could, the other half refusing to move, to do anything that would risk hurting Al even more.

He had flopped into his bed, suddenly so very very tired. He could hardly summon the energy to undress, so settled for removing his coat and boots. He pulled the covers over his shoulders, too exhausted to remain awake but far too worked up to sleep.

When eventually he did manage to drop off, it was a fitful sleep. He heard Al enter the room and lay on his own bed, but made no effort to sit up and talk to him. If Al thought he was asleep, so be it.

When he did sleep, he dreamed. Mainly of Havoc, but in the dreams he kept leaving Havoc somewhere, saying he would meet up with him later, but when he returned Havoc was gone.

When Ed finally woke, the sun was high in the sky and Al was nowhere to be seen. He was supposed to have reported to Mustang first thing. Well, that was out the window now. Mustang was sure to have something to say about that, but Ed just couldn't manage to care even a little.

He dragged himself out of bed, ran a comb through his hair and rebraided it. He put his boots back on, and was about to get up when there was a pounding on the door. Eds brow furrowed. Who the hell was that? And why so loud? He stomped his way to the door and yanked it open to be greeted by Breda's smiling face and unbuttoned uniform.

"Hey there. I've been sent over by the colonel to haul your sorry ass back to work, so you better come. He's in one hell of a mood. And so is Lieutenant Hawkeye."

"I'm not going in. You can tell the colonel he can kiss my ass if he thinks I'm going to jump whenever he says."

"Do you want me to pass that on to the lieutenant too? I think maybe she won't be as forgiving if that charming message reaches her ears."

Ed opened his mouth to argue back, but suddenly felt all the fire leave him. His shoulders slumped, and he nodded.

"OK. Just let me grab my coat."

Breda waited outside the door while Ed grabbed the missing article of clothing before pulling the door shut. Ed followed behind the bigger man, hands in pockets, feet dragging, eyes trained on the floor.

"Lieutenant Havoc didn't turn up today, either. I went around to get him before coming here, but he wasn't answering the door. I know he was home because I could see him on the couch when I looked through the window."

Ed looked up at the mention of Havoc, but didn't speak. Maybe Breda was just making conversation.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say he'd been dumped again."

Again, Ed remained silent. He felt like a fish, and Breda was the one trying to bait him. But Breda didn't know. Did he?

"And speaking of getting dumped, you don't look much better. Whats up with you?"

Damn. He was almost doing well enough for Ed to say he was good. Not good enough though.

"Why don't you just come out and say whatever it is you want to say. I'm not in the mood for games."

Breda looked vaguely surprised. Well, let him. Ed was tired, and far more upset over the situation than he had any right to be. _He_ was the one who had broken it off with _Havoc_, not the other way round. He had no right whatsoever to be getting upset. And it was making him irritable.

"Ok then. Havoc is in some sort of funk at home, looking somewhat like a kicked puppy. You're here, looking in much the same state. The last few months, you two's moods have almost mirrored each others, and you tend to disappear at the same time. I might not look the smartest, but I am pretty observant. I know you two have had something going on, and from the looks of things something happened last night to change that. Am I right?"

Ed had stopped in the street and was standing with his mouth wide open.

_Has everything really been that obvious? If Breda knows, who else does?_

"Don't worry. I don't think anyone else has noticed anything."

Ed continued standing there. Breda had no right to be prying into Ed and Havocs personal matters. He frowned, preparing to ask Breda where he thought he got off, sticking his nose into other people's business.

"I don't know what to do about him." was what he found himself saying. He followed up by telling Breda what had happened with he and Al, and why Ed had felt that he had to end things with Havoc.

"I'm going to tell you what I think, whether you want to hear it or not. I think you need to decide what it is you want, and I think you need to sit down and talk this out with Al. I'm sure if you just explain things to Al, he'll be able to understand."

Ed scowled. He would have chewed Breda out for butting in, if what he said wasn't so completely true.

"I tell you what. I'll tell the colonel that you're far to sick to leave your room today. You go back and think things over. It'll sort itself out."

And with that, Breda was gone.

-------

Havoc lay where he had collapsed the night before. Breda had come around earlier, banging on the door so hard Havoc thought it was going to come flying off. He had seen him peering through the window, but refused to move. Now that he was gone though, he thought he should at least get himself up and washed.

He had puttered around, put on some clothes, had a shave. And now he was right back where he was. He was still having trouble thinking straight. He kept seeing Ed's face flashing passed.

_At least that FUCKING echo has gone though._

He thought he should get up, do something. Anything. Just keep himself busy somehow. He just felt so _heavy_ though. His chest felt like it was dragging the rest of him to the ground. He lit another cigarette and chuckled without humour.

_Who would have thought that a _boy_ could have brought me down to this?_

He lay on his back, head to the side, cigarette in his mouth smouldering as he stared blankly out the window. Maybe he should have told Ed what he meant to him earlier. Would that have made a difference? Probably not. But if it had...

_There's no point in thinking of the 'what ifs'. Whats done is done, and now you have to deal with it._

_But I don't want to deal with it. I want him back. I want him to let me love him. I can't just give up on him. Why didn't he look at me when he said he didn't..._

Even in his head, Havoc couldn't bring himself to say that Ed didn't love him. But he was sure now. He was sure that he could never give up on him. But what could he do? How could he get Ed to come back to him? Havoc sighed. He couldn't give up on Ed, but he knew it was a battle he couldn't win. He closed his eyes, rubbed his hand across his forehead.

What was he going to do?

He was startled out of his introspection by a thumping on the window.

"Oi! Havoc, wake up! I don't think Ed meant what he said! You better let me in!"

Havoc jerked upright. His first thought was _Ed didn't mean it!_

It wasn't until his brain caught up that he realised that Breda appeared to know exactly what was going on. He leaped up to let him in before he yelled more things that people could overhear.

"What do you mean? I have no idea what you're talking about, Breda."

"You're an appalling liar. I already knew all about it, as you well know. Ed just confirmed it for me this morning."

Havoc wasn't sure what to think. He was simultaneously frightened of what would happen now he knew people knew, and overjoyed that Ed had done something that confirmed it for Breda. Could that mean...? No. He had already told Havoc how he felt.

"No. He already said..." Havoc paused, took a breath. "I love him, but he doesn't feel the same."

He felt the crushing in his chest again, the wound caused when Ed had said those words tearing open the fragile cover Havoc had managed to put over it. He sat back down, cigarette lying limp between his fingers.

"How will you know whether or not he meant it unless you fight for him? Are you prepared to let him go just like that?"

Havoc looked up in wonder at his friend. Of all people, he would never in a million years have expected Breda to act as the relationship fairy. It was a little disconcerting.

"Why are you so concerned? You're not even acting the slightest bit surprised about anything."

"Well, I admit, I did find it a little...strange...when I first figured out what you two were up to. But I figure to each his own, right? And if it makes my friend happy, then I'm all for helping wherever I can. Within limits of course."

Havoc felt a whole new sense of friendship for this man. He really did owe him big time for this. He smiled.

"You're right. I don't want to give up without a fight. At least I know this ones safe from Mustang, right?"

Breda grinned back. "I suppose he may just be. So. What's our battle plan?"


	7. Chapter 7

Ed had gone straight home after his talk with Breda. There were now two things he wanted to know about the man.

_One, how the hell did he know about me and Havoc? And two, when did he get so good at giving relationship advice? I've never even seen him TALKING to anyone other the colonel and all the others._

Not that it really mattered. He was right. Ed did have to think about what it was he really wanted. He thought he would be happy to give up Havoc if it meant keeping Al. But he wasn't. He was slowly coming to the realisation that he wanted _both_ of them in his life. He wanted the three of them to be able to spend time together, without worrying about what anyone thought. But how? Al had already made it clear what he thought of the situation, and Havoc didn't exactly make it seem like he wanted their relationship to go public.

_I'm just going to have to make the two of them see reason. They both claim to love me, so they should have to listen!_

With that thought in his head, Ed marched back to the room he and Al shared.

-------

Al was on his way back to the dorms when he saw Ed talking to Breda.

_Whats he doing here? And why hasn't Ed gone to work? He's been getting really slack lately._

He stood at the edge to grounds, unsure whether to continue on or turn and head back the way he had come. Not that there was anything interesting where he had been. He had spent the last two or three hours walking around the park down the road, trying to think of a way to make up with Ed. He truly hated it when they argued, and he couldn't deny that just for a change, it had been his fault rather than Eds.

_I reacted without thinking. How could I have said those things to him? He must have been under such stress, and I treated him like he was nothing._

He still wasn't sure how to try and get Ed to talk to him again. He had come in the night before to find Ed in bed, pretending to be asleep. He wanted so badly to be able to apologise, but he knew better than to try and talk to his brother when he was determined to be asleep. He had noticed that, even in the moonlight, Ed was remarkably pale. Al hoped he was ok. He had waited until Ed was properly asleep before he stopped watching over him. Even then he was well aware of the fitful night Ed had, tossing and turning almost non-stop, occasionally groaning in his sleep as though he were scared of something in his dreams. A little after dawn, Al had decided to leave, to try and find a way to fix things. And now, here he was. As unsure as ever.

Ed and Breda had finished talking. Al watched Breda head off, and Ed turn and make his way back to the dorms. He should call out to him now. It was sunny, and it somehow seemed easier to have this sort of conversation in the sun. He should call out, but he just couldn't get his voice to work. He raised an arm, then dropped it back to his side with a clank. He watched Ed open the door, enter, close it behind him. Still Al stood and watched.

_Stop being such a coward! Go and talk to your brother! He deserves an apology and you know it._

Al straightened, squared his shoulders. If he didn't do it now, if he kept putting it off, he would never be able to do it. What was so scary about apologising to someone, anyway?

_Well, if it was just someone, there wouldn't be a problem. But when it's Ed, and you know you deserve everything he could possibly throw at you...well. That's a whole different story._

Al forced his foot forward, and it felt like someone had chained it to the ground. His second step was just as bad. As he took more though, it got easier. Not _easy_, but not as hard at least. He made it to the door full of determination to make Ed listen to his apology. He opened the door and stepped in.

"I broke it off with Jean last night."

Al stopped in shock.

_That wasn't what I meant! Al, what have you done?_

Al stood still, unable to comprehend what Ed had just said. He said it so calmly, sitting on the edge of the bed, that Al thought that maybe he hadn't said it, not really.

"Brother, why? Why did you do that?"

"Because I thought it was the only way to make it up to you. To make up for hiding it from you, for lying to you."

"Ed! I never intended for you to do that! I shouldn't have said the things I did. Please tell me you didn't really break up with him!"

Al felt himself panicking. He had noticed that change in Ed, and now saw that it had coincided with his time with Havoc. Havoc was making Ed _happy_. And he had given it up because he thought Al wanted him to.

Ed looked at Al, visibly trying to hide the sadness in his eyes.

"I did. I did it to make you happy. I didn't want anything to ever come between us, Al. But I've realised something. I want Havoc, too. I want both of you in my life. I love you more than anything. And I love Havoc as well, in a different way. I want the two of you to always be in my life, and in each others lives."

Al crouched down in front of Ed.

"Ed, I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. Please tell me what I can do to make it up to you. Please."

Ed smiled wanly. He reached forward, putting his flesh hand on Al's chest.

"Just be Al. And let me work this out."

Al felt the weight fly off his shoulders.

_It's ok. Brother will forgive me. But I have to try and get him and Havoc back together. I have to!_

_------- _

Ed watched Al potter around their room, tidying things that didn't need tidying, dusting spotless surfaces, and rearranging books that were already in order. He was glad they had made up, even if now Al _was_ driving him nuts by acting like a mother hen. He had fussed over Ed, making him go and have a shower and put clean clothes on. And had then insisted on braiding Ed's hair, instead of just letting him do it himself. Ed winced, remembering the pain of the pulled knots when Al had tried to comb it.

"So what are you going to do about the Lieutenant? Are you going to tell him you changed your mind?"

Al stopped tidying to look at Ed. Ed felt his heart plummet when he thought of Havoc.

"It's going to be a little harder than that, I think."

"Why? All you have to do is say you didn't mean it, and then he'll be happy and you'll be happy and I'll be happy and it will all work out!" Al beamed.

"He told me he loved me."

"You see? That's so great! That means there'll be no _way_ it won't work out."

"I told him I didn't."

Ed covered his ears at the sound Al's armour made when he banged his fists against his thighs.

"Why did you go and do a thing like that? That's just made things harder for you, hasn't it?"

Ed raised an eyebrow. _Amazing how quickly Al 'forgets' things, really._

"I didn't think I did. But once I had thought about it, I realised. I do love him. But I've royally screwed things up now. I don't know if he'll even want to talk to me. Especially after the way I did it."

"How was that? Were you really mean about it?"

Ed's face flushed as he remembered his method of breaking up. That was _not_ a story Al needed to hear.

"Um..yeah. I...yeah. It was mean." Ed coughed, and set about tucking the loose strands of hair Al had missed back into their braid.

Al looked curiously at Ed.

_Wow. He must have been REALLY horrible to the Lieutenant if he won't tell me what he did._

"Well, we have to think of someway to make him talk to you. If you like, I can come with you."

Ed smiled. Al really was trying his best to be helpful. He felt a sudden wave of affection for his brother. Al thought it was his fault, and he was willing to do almost anything to help put it right.

_I really do have the greatest brother in the world._

"No, I think I have to do this by myself. But thank you for offering. It really does mean a lot to me."

"Ok then. Well, let's plan out what you're going to do. I don't think you can just bowl up and declare your love for him. Or maybe you can..." Al started staring off into the distance. Ed wasn't sure he really wanted to know what was going on in that head.

-------

Havoc stood at the doorway, waving Breda off. He had said he was going to tell Mustang that there had been some sort of weird bug going around, and that Havoc couldn't leave his house. He really was immensely grateful to him for that. He was also grateful for the help Breda had given him. He had been full of ideas for how to get Ed to come back to him. Havoc shook his head in wonder.

_I still can't believe that BREDA would be the one to help me._

Well, they had a plan now. Although Havoc was still having trouble keeping it straight in his mind. Was it him that had to lure Ed out, or was it Breda? Oh well. They could go over it again later. Havoc wasn't sure he could see Ed for a day or two without making a fool of himself and bursting into tears anyway. He had to at least wait until he reached his zombie stage. Everyone was used to that one.

He stepped out into the sunshine, lighting a cigarette. For now at least, he might as well get some relaxation in. The next few days were going to be anything but relaxing.


	8. Chapter 8

"So. Have they made up yet? Or is it a little more serious this time?"

Breda stopped in his tracks.

"I really don't know what you're talking about, sir. Lieutenant Havoc and Ed both are sick with a stomach bug. They can't possibly leave their rooms."

Mustang raised an eyebrow.

"Stomach bug, eh? Well, so long as they get it sorted soon. I don't relish the thought of having Lieutenant Hawkeye on my back about this. Just let them know, ok?"

Breda returned to his seat.

_That colonel is really too cocky for his own good._

Well, he'd gotten them one extra day, at least. It was up to them to use it.

-------

"So what should I do?"

"I say just go and tell him how you feel. No games, no nothing. Just the truth. You'll have to do it sooner or later. Might as well make it now."

Ed sighed. He hadn't really wanted to hear that particular answer from his brother. Not that he would ever have given a different one.

"I can't just go over there! Not after what I said to him last night!"

_You know Al's right about this, Ed. Why don't you grow a pair and just go over!_

"Brother, you know I'm right. You have to do this. Please, just go over and see him."

"Why do I have to have the worlds most pushy brother?" Ed grumbled, but the was no real feeling behind it.

"Because you need someone to make sure you don't get distracted. Everything you've done lately has been for me. Just once, I want you to do something for yourself.

"But -"

"No buts, brother! You are doing this! Now are you going to go by yourself, or are you going to make me carry you there and then have to hang around for the yucky make-up kissing? Because I'd really rather not see that, if it's all the same to you."

Ed scowled at Al. They stared at each other, until Ed gave in. He shifted his gaze to a spot just beyond Al's left shoulder and sighed again. He squeezed his eyes shut, ran a hand over his face.

"Ok. I'll go. But if this doesn't work, I'm going to take it out on you."

"That really doesn't come as any surprise. But it will work. I know it will."

Al sat cross-legged on the floor, watching Ed retrieve his coat, straighten his hair and generally put off going as long as possible.

"Why are you stalling?" Al asked as Ed began working on non-existent loose hairs.

"I'm not stalling! I'm just making sure I look my best before I go over is all!"

"You do want to make up with him, don't you?"

"I do. It's just..." Ed stopped. He put his hands on the dresser and dropped his head.

"It's just what?"

Ed turned to face Al, but continued looking downwards.

"I'm scared, Al. What if he won't take me back? What if he says no? I don't think...it would just be too much."

"And what if he does? What if he says yes?" Al replied softly. "You're never going to know if you don't do it."

Ed looked at Al, a faint smile crossing his features.

"I love you, Al. You know that?"

"I know!" Al laughed. "Now leave! Get out!"

Ed grinned, and spun towards the door. He set out, hands shoved in his pockets.

"And don't come back 'til tomorrow morning!" Al shouted after him.

-------

Havoc sat in the yard. It had been an hour since Breda had left, and he was quite enjoying just relaxing in the warmth of the sun. He had been doing a lot of thinking in that hour. About himself, about Ed. Mainly about Ed though. Damn, but if he didn't love that boy. What he wouldn't do to get him back. But that would have to wait a few days. He had to give him at least that long.

_CAN I though? Can I wait that long?_

Havoc tipped his head back and watched the smoke from his cigarette wind it's way into the sky before disappearing. He took a drag, and blew another cloud skywards.

_Fly away, smoke. Fly away and be free. Will Ed ever want to come back to me? Will I ever be enough for someone like him?_

Havoc closed his eyes. He supposed that was the problem right there. He just _wasn't good enough_ for anyone, especially not someone like Ed. He only had to look at his track record. Everyone always ended up leaving him for someone else.

_Usually the same someone else, too. At least Ed hasn't gone _there.

_I hope._

No, the thought of Ed going there was ridiculous. This time, it was completely Havoc. He was the reason Ed had left. Not because he had found someone else, but because Havoc wasn't able to keep hold of him. Havoc felt the pain starting again in his chest, and he closed his eyes to it.

_Damn. And I'd managed to make it go away for a whole hour._

He took another drag of smoke, then blew it out. The rushing air caused the build up of ash on the end to fall, straight into Havoc's partially open mouth. In shock, he took a breath in and immediately began choking on the inhaled ash. He slumped forward, unable to control the coughing.

"You know, if you'd quit when I told you to, you wouldn't be dying right now."

_I must be dying if I'm hearing that voice._

Havoc looked up. There, standing at the end of the path, was an angel in red. Havoc brushed the tears of coughing from his eyes and blinked to clear them.

_Edward...you're here._

Ed waited until Havoc had brought his coughing under control.

"Can I come and talk to you?"

Havoc nodded, but made no move to get up. He didn't know what he might do if he allowed himself to move towards this golden-haired god. Edward walked to Havoc. Still Havoc remained, not quite believing that _Ed_ had come to see _him_.

_Why? Why is he here? Has he come to kick me further? _

_Is it wrong that I would take it, if it were from him?_

Ed sat on the grass near Havoc. He was close enough that one _could _say they were next to one another, but far enough away that Havoc couldn't reach and touch him.

"This ground is still damp. You'll get sick if you keep sitting on it." Ed said, looking toward the road. Havoc didn't respond, instead lighting a new cigarette. They continued sitting like that, both looking in the same general direction, neither saying a word, until Havoc was halfway through his smoke.

"Why are you here, Ed? You said you wanted to talk, but you're just sitting here. Why?"

"I – I don't know what to say. I mean, I know what to say, but I don't know the words."

_I knew it. He's going to tell me that he was serious, that he can't be around me. He'll tell me he's leaving, that we won't ever see each other again._

"It's alright. You don't need to say it. I already know what you're going to say, so you might as well save your breath. I don't need to hear it again."

Ed's head whipped around. His eyes were narrowed, eyebrows drawn together in the centre.

"How can you know what I'm going to say when even I'M not sure? You always think you know better, don't you?"

"You've come to reiterate what you said yesterday, haven't you? You've come to say that you're leaving, that you'll be moving on. That you'll forget all about me."

Havoc looked straight into Ed's eyes as he said it. He saw as the boys eyes grew wider and wider as he went on. He wondered if Ed could guess how he knew why he was there, if he knew that Havoc had been through this time and time again. Well. It was done now. He could leave without feeling guilty, and Havoc could work through the rejection like he always did. He supposed it was better this way. Not that hurt any less.

Ed's face grew angry at the word 'forget', and he leaped to his feet. He took a quick step in front of Havoc, leaned down and shoved his shoulder.

"Shows what you know, doesn't it? I wonder who's the bigger idiot here – you, just for being one, or me for falling in love with you."

Havoc stopped rubbing his shoulder and stared in wonder. His cigarette fell to the ground.

_Falling in love...with me?_

"You – you what?"

"Figures you'd go deaf now. I came to say that I was wrong. I didn't mean what I said last night. I shouldn't have said it. I had my reasons, but I shouldn't have said what I did. I love you, Jean. I'm _in_ love with you. Please, forgive me. Take me back. Please."

Before Havoc knew what he was doing, he was pulling Ed down into his lap and kissing him like he'd never kissed anyone before. He didn't care if the neighbours saw them, and from the feel of things neither did Edward.

"God, Ed. I love you so much." he mumbled into the kiss. He could feel the happiness about to burst inside him.

_Well, not just the happiness._

Havoc pulled away from the kiss to look into Edwards eyes. He placed a hand either side of that beautiful face, and savoured the sight.

"Breda's going to be very upset we aren't going to be able to use his plan to get you back."

"We'll just have to tell him that Al's plan was faster."

Havoc pulled Ed into his arms, pressing his ear against the side of Edwards head. He was never going to let Edward go again. Never.

"I love you, Jean." 

"I love you too, Edward."

_Owari_


End file.
